Life Can Be SmegFor Some
by Capt. Emerald
Summary: The second installment of the Stasis Pod From Hell series. What happens when Rimmer, Lister, and McGellen crash land on a desert planet with a couple of psychotic creatures.


LIFE CAN BE SMEG...FOR SOME OPENING THEME  
  
1-Sleeping Quarters-Day LISTER is sound asleep. RIMMER's things are gone and now have some posters and stuff where they used to be. MCGELLEN enters; she has a megaphone in her right hand and a clipboard in her left. She walks over to LISTER and puts the megaphone up to his ear. MCGELLEN: Rise and shine, laddie! LISTER: *screams* (He then jumps out of bed and lands on the floor with a horrible thud.) MCGELLEN: (still talking into the megaphone.) Come on baboon butt! It's 10:00 in the morning, time to get up! LISTER gets up and takes the megaphone. LISTER: (into the megaphone.) Shut the smeg up! MCGELLEN takes the megaphone back and hits LISTER over the head with the clipboard. MCGELLEN: Get dressed and meet me in the docking bay in one hour for your pilot's exam. If you are one minute late you're on toilet duty! Again! (She marches off and LISTER gives her a two-fingered salute.) 2-Mess Hall-Day CAT is looking at himself in a small mirror, KOCHANSKI is watching him. RIMMER is reading a book entitled "Factious Dictators and You." MCGELLEN comes in and sits down next to him and throws the clipboard away. MCGELLEN: God, I love doing that! RIMMER: What? MCGELLEN: Waking up Lister so we don't have to see him come in looking like a half-dead ape. RIMMER: What did you do this time? MCGELLEN: I blasted his ear with a megaphone and told him that he had a pilot's exam in one hour. RIMMER: You're absolutely perfect you know that. MCGELLEN: I know so are you. LISTER enters he is still wearing his pyjama's except now he's wearing boots. He sits across from KOCHANSKI but she steps on his foot and he moves further down the table. LISTER: Where's the food? MCGELLEN: Kryten wanted to wait for you. He said it was a surprise I can only guess what that means. LISTER: Shut up. KRYTEN enters with a load of plates with food on them. Each plate has eggs, bacon and pancakes on it. He lays one in front of each person. KRYTEN: I hope you all enjoy. They all start eating the pancakes and slowly a strange expression appears on their faces as they chew. CAT: Is it just me or do these taste funny? LISTER: What's wrong with you? They taste fine. RIMMER: By any chance Kryten what's in these? KRYTEN: Just one moment sir. (He rushes off and quickly returns worried.) It's a special ingredient. It's *mumbles*. RIMMER: What? KRYTEN: *mumbles* RIMMER: (angry) What? KRYTEN: It's a special ingredient and I think you'd rather not know. RIMMER: If I can't stand the taste of it, I believe I have a right to know. KRYTEN: shame mode It's space weevil, sir. ALL: (except LISTER.) What?! (They all spit it out except for LISTER who just digs in.) KRYTEN: I wanted to try something new and I thought space weevil would go rather well. RIMMER: Rather well? I don't think so Polygon Face. KRYTEN: Mr. Lister seems to be enjoying it. RIMMER: (mimics KRYTEN.) "Mr. Lister seems to be enjoying it." That's because he's a piece of space scum. He could eat anything and wouldn't hate it. LISTER: Except Pot Noodles. Can't stand those. RIMMER: Shut up. MCGELLEN: It tastes like I stuck my head in a septic tank with my mouth open, it's disgusting. They all push they're plates away. LISTER continues eating. MCGELLEN: If you excuse me I'm going down to the Medi-Bay to get my stomach pumped, anyone else wanna come? CAT: Me! They both leave. RIMMER: I think I'm going to go vomit now. I'm leaving. (He leaves.) KOCHANSKI stays and watches LISTER eat. 3-Drive Room-Day MCGELLEN walks in and sits down. HOLLY comes up on the monitor. HOLLY: What's up? MCGELLEN: Nothing really except that I just pumped my stomach a half an hour ago. What about you? HOLLY: I've been busy counting stars, taking to my singing potatoes, navigating the ship, talking to you. MCGELLEN: (sarcastically) Sounds thrilling. Suddenly an alarm goes off and one of the monitors starts flashing. MCGELLEN: What's going on, Hol? Why is that screen flashing? HOLLY: That's means there's some kind of space phenomena nearby. MCGELLEN: Like what? HOLLY: Just a moment. (He goes off screen then reappears.) I don't know, I've never seen anything like this. All I can tell is that it's swirly and all sorts of colours. MCGELLEN: Punch it up. A large vortex like thing appears on the screen. It's many different colours and very large. MCGELLEN: It's gotta be some kind of portal or something. Holly, alert the others. We're going to investigate. Tell them to meet me at the Starbug. HOLLY: No prob. 4-Starbug Cockpit-Day LISTER, RIMMER, and MCGELLEN are sitting down preparing for take off. RIMMER: Alright. Remember in and out no jokes, let's just get this over and done with, got it. MCGELLEN and LISTER: Got it. RIMMER: And remember Lister no funny stuff or stunts. LISTER: Yeah, yeah. 5-Model Shot The Starbug floats off the ground and zooms forward. The back of the ship knocks the bay doors sending sparks flying. You hear the crew talking. MCGELLEN: You we're right Rimmer, he does fly like crap. You should just be glad I'm not flying. LISTER: Why's that? MCGELLEN: I'd make you look worse than you already are! RIMMER and MCGELLEN start laughing hysterically as the 'Bug speeds towards the vortex. LISTER: You can shut up now, we're going in. The 'Bug enters the vortex. The view shows a tunnel of multiple colours and then it switches to a white tunnel. You then see the 'Bug come out and crash into a sand dune. 6-Desert-Day They all come out of the ship and explore the area. LISTER: Where are we Hol? (No answer) Hol? (He looks down at his watch and there's just static.) Smeg! We lost Holly! RIMMER: Oh joy! It can't possibly get any worse can it? Suddenly a chaotic sandstorm appears and a large gust blows the three away from the ship and over a few dunes and then into a rock wall knocking them unconscious. It then switches to a shot of the desert where the passage of day becoming night is shown. They soon wake up to find themselves buried in sand. LISTER: What the smeg?! (He pulls himself out and he helps the other out. MCGELLEN looks around.) MCGELLEN: Is it just me or has the Starbug disappeared? They all look over the dune and see a large hole where the 'Bug used to be. RIMMER: Great. Now what? MCGELLEN: I don't know about you but I think we should try to dig the 'Bug out. Cos it's obviously in that large hole, don't you think we should find out? They all run over. MCGELLEN trips and falls into the hole burying her leg. MCGELLEN: Hey guys, do you think you could help me here? RIMMER and LISTER jump into the hole. RIMMER starts to help MCGELLEN up but a large tentacle comes out of the ground and wraps around MCGELLEN's leg.  
  
MCGELLEN: Aaagghh! Help! It's crushin me leg! RIMMER and LISTER pull on her but the tentacle starts pulling them in. Soon MCGELLEN is up to her middle in sand and starts getting pulled in faster. RIMMER: No! No! Come on! MCGELLEN: Help me! Soon the two lose they're grip and MCGELLEN gets pulled in. RIMMER: Kara! (He starts digging frantically but makes no advance.) LISTER: Don't worry man, she'll show up. (He pats RIMMER's shoulder.) I'll just leave you alone. (He walks off to go look for the 'Bug.) RIMMER digs his hands in the sand. Once more the tentacle comes up and wraps around his mid-section and pulls him down. RIMMER: Lister! LISTER runs over and RIMMER is gone. He slumps down and mumbles to himself. Once again the tentacle comes up and wraps around his head and pulls him in. We then see LISTER land in a cavern on his head and get knocked out. 7-Cavern-Night LISTER is lying on the ground. RIMMER walks over and starts to shake him. RIMMER: Lister! Wake up! LISTER opens his eyes and gets up. A quick bolt of pain reaches his head. He put his hand on the back of his head and then looks at his hand there is some blood on it. LISTER: Owww! Agh! Where the hell are we? RIMMER: We're in some sort of cavern but, that doesn't matter we have to find Kara! LISTER: You didn't go look for her? RIMMER: I was looking for her until I saw you. Please! You need to help me find her! LISTER: You must be absolutely nuts about her. I've never seen you care so much for a person. RIMMER: I am nuts. I am mad about her Listy. I'm in love with her. And nothing is more important to me than her so we have to find her. Then a faint roar is heard. RIMMER: Did you hear that? LISTER: Hear what? Another roar is heard this time louder. RIMMER: There it is again. Did you hear that?! LISTER: Yeah. I heard that. What is it? RIMMER: Like I know. Whatever it is it's coming this way! RIMMER points towards a large creature with tentacles heading in their direction. MCGELLEN is running from it. She then blazes past them. MCGELLEN: Run you bastards, run! All of them start running away from the creature. Then another creature appears in front of them. RIMMER: Oh smeg! Two of them! The creatures roar back and forth at each other. Then one of the creatures slams into the ground blowing them backwards. MCGELLEN gets up and notices the creature prepare to attack RIMMER. MCGELLEN: No! Look out! She leaps in the air and lands on top of RIMMER. The tentacle comes down and stabs through the middle of her chest. She screams in pain and falls off of him. She lands on the ground and coughs, blood comes from her mouth and there is a large hole in the middle of her chest. RIMMER gets up, his shirt is splattered with blood and he rushes to MCGELLEN. RIMMER: Kara, are you alright? MCGELLEN: (gasping) I can't breathe. Help me! RIMMER: Don't worry, we're gonna get you back. (He takes the gun from MCGELLEN'S holster and shoots at the two creatures they run off.) (To LISTER) Lister! Find the 'Bug and get us out of here right now. (To MCGELLEN) Just hold on. LISTER runs off. RIMMER picks up MCGELLEN and catches up with LISTER. RIMMER: Do you see it anywhere? LISTER: Look there! (He points and you see the Starbug halfway buried under the sand.) Come on! They run into the ship. Soon the 'Bug emerges from under the sand, goes through the portal, and flies to the Red Dwarf. 8-Medical Bay-Night MCGELLEN is hooked up to some kind of life support machine. RIMMER is sitting nearby talking to her. KRYTEN walks over and taps his shoulder and brings him to the other side of the room so MCGELLEN can't hear them. RIMMER: What is it Kryten? Is she going to live? KRYTEN: I'm afraid not sir. I'm sorry. RIMMER turns around and looks at MCGELLEN then turns back around. RIMMER: How long does she have? KRYTEN: Only a few hours. I'll leave you with her sir. (He leaves.) RIMMER sits and drops his head down. MCGELLEN: So I'm screwed, aren't I? RIMMER: Yeah. MCGELLEN: Thought so. How long have I got? RIMMER: A few hours. (Pauses) I can't do this! I can't just let you die! This can't happen. But what can I do?! MCGELLEN: I have an idea that just might work. But I'm not sure. RIMMER: What is it? MCGELLEN: If you turn off all unnecessary power systems can't this ship support another hologram? RIMMER: (doesn't catch on.) Yes. So what good will that do? MCGELLEN: Hello! You could bring me back! I wouldn't be dead! RIMMER: But we have no way to do that. MCGELLEN: Yes we do! You could load my memory and everything into a file or something and after I'm gone you could just load me up and I'd be back in a minute! RIMMER: You're right! I'll be back in flash! MCGELLEN: You always are. RIMMER runs down the hallway and finds KRYTEN. RIMMER: Kryten, follow me it's important. KRYTEN: Yes, sir. (He follows RIMMER. They leave.) 9-CGI Model Shot The lift soars down several floors. 10-Hologram Simulation Projection Sheet-Night RIMMER and KRYTEN enter. RIMMER is carrying a disc and is making trumpeting noises in a happy tune. He sits down and puts the disc in. KRYTEN: I'm beginning to understand why you needed to load her memory. You're going bring her back as a hologram aren't you? (RIMMER nods his head.) I knew it. RIMMER: Alright, Kryten. I need you to do something for me. KRYTEN: What is it? RIMMER: One hour after Kara dies I want you to turn her hologram on, can you do this for me? KRYTEN: Yes sir. (His eyes start flicking about and technical noises are heard.) I have saved it to memory. RIMMER: Thanks Kryten. You don't know how much this means to me. Then HOLLY comes up on the monitor. RIMMER: What is it, Hol? HOLLY: You need to head down to the medi-bay, I think we're loosing McGellen and she wants to see you. RIMMER: Thanks, Hol. (HOLLY leaves.) Remember Kryten, one hour. (He marches off.) 11-Medi-Bay-Night MCGELLEN is looking very near death. RIMMER is standing nearby and holding her hand. Everyone else is standing behind him. MCGELLEN: (Sounding weak.) I don't know what to really say. I've only been here three weeks and I'm speechless. RIMMER: You don't have to say anything. It doesn't matter. MCGELLEN: It does to me. (Pauses) Alright I know what to say. RIMMER: What? MCGELLEN: I've only been here for a while but I just want to tell you I'd rather not pick a better place to die than this. So far this has been the best time of my life until now. (Gasps and grips her chest, a small line of blood flows from her mouth.) And I just wanted to say (stops and motions RIMMER closer and whispers in his ear.) that no matter what I'll always be in love with you. (She then grips her chest and falls back dead.) LISTER: (Pats RIMMER'S shoulder) Sorry, man. I really am. We all are. (All nod.) Do you want to be alone or something? RIMMER: No. Let's eject her body into space. LISTER: Why? RIMMER: Cause that's how she would like it. LISTER: Alright. We'll help you. 12-CGI Model Shot The Red Dwarf flies on, a small pod flies away from the ship. 13-Docking Bay-Night All are there except KRYTEN. LISTER and KOCHANSKI are fully uniformed. CAT is wearing a sequined black suit. RIMMER is standing in front of everyone wearing his overdone full-admiral uniform. He performs a spectacular Full- Rimmer salute and starts playing a sad tune by making trumpeting noises. He stops and they all march off. 14-Drive Room-Night RIMMER is out of the overdone dress and is sitting impatiently. RIMMER: Holly, where is that box-head Kryten? HOLLY: On his way here. Do you need anything else? RIMMER: No. HOLLY: Are you sure? RIMMER: Yes, I'm sure. HOLLY: Positive. RIMMER: (Angry) Will you smeg off already! HOLLY: Fine. If you're going to be that way, I'm leaving. (Fades out.) KRYTEN comes in very worried and paces about. RIMMER: Took you long enough! (Looks behind KRYTEN.) Um, Kryten where is Kara? You did what I did said didn't you? (He gets up and stands near KRYTEN.) You did didn't you? KRYTEN: Yes, I did. RIMMER: So, where is she? KRYTEN: I don't know, sir. She didn't show up. I'm sure I did everything right, I'm sure of it! (Pauses and seems to remember something) I may have left out one thing. RIMMER: (angry) Like?! KRYTEN: I forgot to turn off all unnecessary power systems. The information may have been deleted in the process. I'm really sorry. RIMMER sits down and starts pounding his head on the table. RIMMER: Smeg, smeg, smeg, smeg, smeg! (Stops and looks at KRYTEN and points at him.) You've done a smegging well job of ruining my smegging life, you smegged up square headed git! KRYTEN: Sad Mode I'm sorry. I really am. RIMMER: I'm going have to take away you're ironing privileges for one week and give the job to someone else, laddie. Then a hand grabs RIMMER'S shoulder and familiar is heard. VOICE: Why are you being so hard on him? He didn't do anything wrong. RIMMER and KRYTEN turn around. RIMMER nearly jumps out of his skin. There is MCGELLEN she's a hard-light type hologram and wearing a uniform similar to RIMMER'S except more fit for a woman. Her and KRYTEN start laughing hysterically. RIMMER: You're...but...He said you didn't show up! KRYTEN: I was on Lie Mode, sir. RIMMER: What?! MCGELLEN: Well as soon as I came on Kryten told me that you were waiting and we should head down here at once, but I thought it might be better like this. RIMMER: What by nearly giving me a heart attack! MCGELLEN: No. By having a go with you. And it worked! Kryten put it there! (KRYTEN gives her a high five and they start laughing again.) RIMMER: (sarcastically) Oh, ha, ha! Absolutely hysterical. I'm about to die laughing. MCGELLEN: Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. How about we go tell everybody else that I'm back! KRYTEN: I don't think that would be wise, ma'am. Everybody else is sleeping and I'd rather not wake them up. But we could wait til morning. MCGELLEN: Sounds fine. (To RIMMER) What about you? RIMMER: Fine by me. MCGELLEN: Oh, don't be so down and out. How about we kill sometime in proving to me that holograms can touch each other? RIMMER: (excited) I'm in for that! Let's go. MCGELLEN: Yes! (They both run off.) HOLLY appears. HOLLY: Even though they're dead, they're both still the same, totally disgusting. KRYTEN: I find it nice. HOLLY: Why? KRYTEN: More clothes to clean. (Runs off.) HOLLY: Maybe now I'll get more conversation form that iron. 15-CGI Model Shot Red Dwarf goes on. A caption appears at the bottom of the screen. ONE WEEK LATER 16-Sleeping Quarters-Day LISTER is sleeping on the bottom bunk. RIMMER and MCGELLEN sneak in, stand over him and smile. LISTER wakes up and gets one of the biggest scares of his life. LISTER: *Screams* What the hell?! RIMMER: Rise and shine, Listy! Time to get up! MCGELLEN: It's half-past noon, you slept in. LISTER: Go away. They stand back and stand in the middle of the room. LISTER clambers out bed. LISTER: Will you leave? MCGELLEN: Rimmer will leave, but I need to talk to you. (To RIMMER.) Right? RIMMER: Yes. I'll see you later then? MCGELLEN: Don't worry. (RIMMER leaves.) LISTER: What do you want? MCGELLEN: To talk. LISTER: About what? MCGELLEN: Do you have any cigarettes? Rimmer took my stock away in hopes to make me stop and I seriously need on right now! LISTER: Sure, no problem. (Walks over to his locker, opens it, takes out a pack and gives it to MCGELLEN.) Why are you going against what he says, I thought you respected him and all that crap. MCGELLEN: (Lights up.) That's when he was Ace. That's when I liked him best. We we're crazy, now he's psychotic and I'm still stuck thinking he's Ace; it's really hard for me. LISTER: So why don't you tell him? MCGELLEN: Nah. That's not how I work. I stick around and learn thing, it's much easier than just up and asking, which might insult him. LISTER: So you're saying that you're just gonna get used to the way he is no matter how bad it gets. MCGELLEN: Absolutley-dootly. LISTER: You won't last another week. MCGELLEN: Not without a pack or two and few drinks. (Looks down at her watch.) I'll just finish this one and I'm off. Well, while I'm here got any questions? LISTER: Erm, yeah. How about this, are you really a lot like Rimmer? MCGELLEN: In what way? LISTER: You know like (mock salutes) up, up the ziggurat, lickety-split. MCGELLEN: At times I can be, but you can never tell. And don't do that mock salute again or I'll put you're arm through the waste grinder and don't think I won't cause I will. LISTER: So how'd you meet him? (He lights on up too.) MCGELLEN: Spectacular rescue. Some Zongolian war-ships surrounded my ship and we're gonna blast me to oblivion, but then Ace comes in and all hell breaks loose. Gunfire here and there, then a blast clips my ship and I go careening out of control and crash land on a nearby planet. Ahhhhh! (Acts out crash landing.) I fly out of my ship and collide head first into a nearby rock. LISTER: Now I understand why you're in love with him. You must have had some sort of amnesia or wonky vision. MCGELLEN: Right on. So then... (Pauses and realizes what LISTER just said.) You low down git! You're gonna get it! LISTER runs out and MCGELLEN takes her gun out and shoots at him. ENDING CREDITS 


End file.
